When Will You Stop Betraying Yourself?

Lessons of Light Issue #18

“The discomfort of being seen, of standing firm in who we are, is the gateway to a life that’s truly ours.”

I’ve been slow to write this week.

It’s as if I have many things marinating in my mind that want to come forth, but concrete form has been slow to manifest. But I told myself, action is better than nothing. So, here I write.

Perhaps it’s because the big topic that’s on my mind — that’s been coming up in conversations and in so many things I’ve reading — is about speaking up (or about) what you believe in, and the topic of betrayal.

Betrayal by others, and betraying ourselves.

When thinking about how we betray ourselves, I’ve been asking myself:

How many times have I betrayed myself to please others? How many times have I betrayed my voice to keep the peace, or betrayed my point of view to avoid conflict? How many times have I betrayed my intuition because somewhere along the way I was led to believe that others know best? How many times have I betrayed my loyalty to things I love out of fear of being “seen” a certain way? And, how many times have I betrayed my body — how I’ve treated it, what I’ve put into it, and mostly what I’ve said about it?

Lately I’ve become acutely aware of the power of words. Author Don Miguel Ruiz asks of us in The Four Agreements to “be impeccable with your word.”

Ruiz teaches us that one way for us to break free of self-limiting agreements so that we can attain greater liberation and happiness is to be impeccable with our word — the way we speak about others, and definitely the way we speak about and to ourselves.

Words have the power to “poison.” Think about a time someone gave their opinion about someone or something, and suddenly you found yourself second-guessing your thoughts and opinions about the same thing that just a few minutes before you loved. This can be so easy to do, especially when said by people you perceive to have a certain degree of power or expertise.

This happened recently in a group I know. One person said something about someone else — a disparagement and betrayal. They didn’t say explicitly who the person was, but it was loosely hidden behind a thin veil, obvious to many. They said it publicly. (On social media. Why?) Saying it to shame that person. To discredit them. And to get us to think the same.

I believe they believe that what they’re saying is truth to them. We all have our own version of reality and perception. How you see the world is different than how I see the world. This just is.

However, when we hear someone tearing someone else down, it plants a seed of doubt. “Wait,” we find ourselves saying, “are they right? Is this truth? If I don’t agree and get on board with what they are saying, am I completely off the mark?”

We are easily susceptible, unless we use our discernment and have a strong internal compass — one that is connected to something greater than our egos and our lizard brains.

The Ghost Stories We Tell

All of this reminded me of a part in The Freedom Transmissions (in the chapter called The Three Strands of the Braid of the Holy Trinity, page 339), that talks about the “ghost stories,” or illusion stories we tell ourselves. It says:

“… when fear is projected to the external, onto someone or something, an innocuous illusion or cotton sheet can become scary to the point of physical stress and trauma. When you allow others to project things into your mind, you can become haunted with the distortions.”

And then, “When will you learn to discern? You are lambs, not sheep. Even sheep know healthy fear when a wolf is approaching. They do not live in fear when there is no wolf in sight.”

If this is speaking to you right now, read this chapter in TFT or hear me talk more about it on Hold the Light.

And so…

In the real life case mentioned above about that group I know, while I am able to hold some compassion for that person who publicly condemned someone I respect, I immediately drew a boundary around them. Their way of handling the situation is out of alignment with me and how I operate. I don’t need to publicly denounce them, however I will no longer engage with them. Sometimes we need to be that strict with a boundary.

I wish I had the ability to do that every time something like this comes up for me, but admittedly I don’t because I am still dismantling old ways of thinking, of not wanting to rock the boat, and wanting to avoid conflict. Work in progress, and all that.

Our words are powerful. So we’re being called to be aware of how we use it and what we allow into our brain space.

The big question I think for all of us to ask ourselves is, “What do I stand for? Who’s back do I have? Who has my back? Who or what do I believe in, even if others try to get me to think otherwise?”

Are You Still in the Spiritual Closet?

Let me ask you: are you allowing yourself to be open and honest with things that are meaningful to you in the spirituality space?

Are you still living a double life – sharing parts of you with some people, yet hiding those same parts from others?

For instance, no surprise to anyone reading this, but I have deep reverence for the wisdom of the book The Freedom Transmissions.

It’s not for everyone, I understand that.

But, it’s for me.

And I don’t want to live a double life around this. Hiding to some, sharing with others. So here are some other things I have reverence for:

I pray out loud to God and Yeshua. I pray and talk to my spirit guides. I talk with my dad and sometimes my beloved uncle, who are both on the other side.

I walk, I write, I meditate, I read, I talk with my fellow soul seekers.

I do automatic writing where I connect with beautiful messages from my spirit team.

And it is meaningful to me on a profound level. It brings me a level of lightness to my being.

I know it’s not for everyone, therefore it’s part of my evolution and growth to find peace around that … as challenging as that can be.

If you truly know me, you would see that this work I do, the things in the spirituality space, have created the most positive impact in my life. Those who care about me, celebrate this part of me.

I feel more internal peace, freedom, understanding, balance, compassion, and a greater connection to the whole, and not the some. I am a better mom, wife, daughter, and friend because of it.

But still, in full transparency, sometimes I’ve wanted to close down this Substack or remove subscribers because I didn’t feel “safe” with having eyeballs out there reading what I talk about and what interests me in the world of spirituality, because I’ve wanted to avoid the discomfort of feeling judged or exposed.

I can’t tell you how many times my finger has hovered over the delete button.

Yet, this is where I know my growth lies. It’s through the discomfort and vulnerability.

I know that on the other side is a new level of expansion, as uncomfortable as it is.

This is how we grow, and how we create an authentic life.

We let ourselves be seen.

And so I ask you, too:

What discomfort are you facing right now? Are you moving through it, or staying in the “safety” of complacency?

Where are you hiding in your life?

Can you accept the discomfort that comes with sharing more of yourself (at the risk of being rejected) if it means you’ll create a life that feels true to who you really are?

🎓 This Commencement Speech

It’s commencement speech season and I want to hold the light for this speech given by David Foster Wallace in 2005. Read it, share it.

Want more? Last year I shared about Steve Jobs’ 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University. (Wild, same year!)

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” - Steve Jobs

💥 Forward Flow: Harnessing 2025’s Second-Half Energy 👉🏻 JOIN ME!

I’ll be sharing more about this, but YOU GUYS! This is the event you want to join in June. Kelsey Banfield and I are coming together to talk about the energy that’s coming up in the next 6 months. Move forward with the remainder of 2025 armed with some knowledge of what to expect.

With a blend of astrology, kabbalah, and mindset shifts, we are creating a community of like-minded soul seekers who love to talk and learn about this stuff! Kelsey is one of my favorite people to be in conversation about this because she has such a gift for distilling information in a clear, easy-to-understand, relatable way. We’ve been doing some of these talks in private group communities, but now want to open it up for more to join.

What’s the vibe?
Modern. Grounded. Accessible. Fun.

We’ll keep it real, relatable, and just the right amount of cosmic—so you can step forward with ease and trust in what’s next. Are you in?

Learn more about it, save your spot, and join here!

🎧 Testimonial for Hold the Light

Thank you, Sara S!

Sara is specifically talking about this episode and this episode: my last two conversations with Carissa Schumacher.

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