The Silence of the Gremlins

How a recent decision about my weight unveiled something unexpected

Recently I made a personal choice that has resulted in something I did not anticipate.

It is a choice that originally I had resisted. I did not take it lightly, because I wondered, “Would a spiritual person do something like this?”

However, it is a choice that has altered something within me that was completely unexpected. 

It’s a choice that has awakened me to the fact that I have been living with what I can only describe as a constant white noise playing on a continuous loop in my head. A white noise that I got so used to, I didn’t even realize it was there.

It was so ingrained within me that I wasn’t even fully aware of it. Until now.

That white nose? I call it The Hungry Little Gremlin.

A hungry little gremlin living in my head who has been relentless, unsatiated, and always wanting more.

But finally – finally – at the age of 54 and living with this for my entire life: This hungry little gremlin has been silenced. How? Well, first, a backstory…

THE NEVER-ENDING CYCLE

I was born a big baby – a 9-pound baby girl. As a girl, I was called “big boned.” As a teen I was often “heavy.” 

My whole life, I’ve yo-yo’d from heavy to thin(ish) to overweight again. I’ve been called fat, I’ve been embarrassed about my body, I’ve had moments when I didn’t want to wear a bathing suit or be in pictures. I’ve had the internal voice telling me I was good when I lost weight – and a complete failure when I gained it back.

It’s been a ceaseless, never-ending dieting cycle: gain weight, lose weight. Success, failure. Accolades, judgment. It’s been exhausting, on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. 

But, it was what I considered to be normal. 

I tried almost everything to be at a lower weight: Weight Watchers, South Beach Diet, Grapefruit Diet, Atkins diet, food-combining, Mediterranean diet, blood type diet, keto diet, no-carbs, low-carbs, low-fat, high-fat, juicing, Overeaters Anonymous, intermittent fasting, intuitive eating, Women, Food and God, detoxes, Prolon, metabolism boosters, fat burning pills, Jane Fonda workouts, Curves, spinning, treadmills, and so much more.

The amount of energy and brain space this has taken up is, in a word, consuming.

I would lose weight and get accolades and praise. What a success! Worthy of admiration. 

And then eventually, trying to maintain the day-to-day management and upkeep of being on a certain diet would boomerang and it would become untenable. The weight would creep back on. I would wake feeling terrible for not counting my calories the day before or eating something that wasn’t on a diet plan. I would start again. I would tell myself that I would be “good,” and would follow my plan. And when I didn’t, I was “bad.” 

IT’S OUT THERE FOR EVERYONE TO SEE

Here’s the thing about weight: our challenges about our weight and body are visible for everyone to see and literally weigh in on. 

This is different from other struggles or challenges some people may deal with that are safely hidden behind closed doors: Depression, anxiety, financial issues, relationship issues, parenting issues, self-worth issues, work issues, intimacy issues, control issues, anger issues, alcohol addiction, sex addiction, drug addiction, phobias, sexual trauma, stress, grief, suicidal thoughts, health issues… and so on.

You can step out on the street or go to work or go to school or a party, and we don’t see these issues. It’s private and it’s not up for everyone to witness and it’s not open for discussion.

But with our weight, we are visible and fodder for judgment and comments. Over and over again.

I HAD ENOUGH (THE FIRST STEPS)

Over four years ago when I was getting close to my 50s, I finally had enough.

 I thought to myself:

• I don’t want to be an old woman talking about going on another diet.

• I want to make New Year’s goals that don’t include “lose 10 pounds this year.”

• I want to use my brain space to focus on more expansive goals, dreams, and ambitions.

And so, I laid down the weight sword. I said, no more.

• I committed to a new meditation practice.

• I designed morning rituals and routines centered around high-vibe reading, journaling, and connecting.

• I went on walks in my neighborhood, for the sheer joy of walking and being in nature.

• I found a community of fellow wisdom-seekers who are committed to their spiritual lives.

• I started using my energy and brain for new projects and ideas.

And yes, my body changed. (Also menopause played a role here, too.) 

• I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted, without obsessing over it or beating myself up about it.

• I allowed for softness in my life.

• I allowed for connection to something greater. 

• I allowed for acceptance.

• I allowed myself to just be and stopped fighting against myself.

• I allowed for the 20+ pounds.

It has been a healing journey. 

But, and… 

I realized that I was ready to evolve again, this time for my future self.

AND SO I MADE A CHOICE

With recent transitions in my life, I found myself awakening to a new vision I had for myself. I started imagining who I would be as an older woman: how did she spend her day? How did she feel? What adventures was she on? How was she energetically and spiritually? How was she showing up in her life?

I decided: Future Me is healthy, energized, flexible, strong, and balanced. She hikes all over the world, she is active with her family, she’s curious, she’s still learning, she’s in service through joy, and she is involved in life.

For me to identify with this future me, there was something that started to feel out of alignment: my weight. It was becoming unhealthy. To be the healthiest version of this older me, I knew that it was time to let go of the weight that was no longer serving me.

I wanted a solution, but I admitted that I needed help. Old methods and ways of thinking weren’t going to work. I couldn’t go back there.

And so, after many discussions with my husband, I made the choice to take a compounded semaglutide (which belongs to a family of medications called GLP-1 receptor-agonists).

I initially felt some shame and embarrassment around this, because I didn’t need to take this medication for high blood pressure or pre-diabetes. This was strictly a weight-related choice. Maybe I felt resistance — first in taking it, and then in sharing about it — because I thought, “Would a spiritually-minded person make this choice?” and “What will people think of me?” and “Will my children lose respect for me?”

WHAT HAPPENED

After doing research and talking to a nurse, I got the medication and took it for the first time before bed one evening.

The next morning, when I woke and sat for my morning meditation, I remember thinking, “Wait, what’s going on?”

Why was it so quiet? Why did I feel a different kind of peace?

It felt like an internal white noise machine – one that I didn’t even realize was on – had been turned off.

The incessant food noise was silent.

As the day progressed, and I noticed how and when I naturally ate. There was a feeling of ease and balance. It slowly dawned on me that I have been living with a hungry little gremlin my entire life, who was always in the background making noise.

But now that gremlin was quiet, no longer banging against the cage.

And… it felt like grace. 

HOW SEMAGLUTIDE SILENCES THE GREMLINS

So, why the choice to take a semaglutide? A quick explanation of how it works:

Semaglutide taps into the brain’s appetite regulation system — the GLP-1 receptor  — which then signals a sense of fullness and satisfaction. Basically, it mimics the effects of GLP-1, which is a hormone that helps to regulate and control blood sugar and curbs the appetite. 

It also works with our body’s physiology to help it feel full, and slows down digestion, which in turn helps prevent our bodies from absorbing more of the sugar in the food we consume.

For many of us who have struggled with our weight our entire lives — and have been told it’s a problem with our willpower, or that we’re lazy or maybe that we just don’t care — something like this medication is a tool that feels helpful. It allows us to align with our biological signals so that we can make healthier lifestyle choices. It doesn’t burn fat or boost our metabolism. It simply helps our body to know when enough is enough – it addresses the weight issue from a totally different angle.

ON SEMAGLUTIDE AND SPIRITUALITY

So, the question remains: does a spiritual person make a choice like this? 

Well, my answer to that is: this spiritual person writing this does. 

I realized that I would never question if a person is spiritual if they take SSRIs to help with their depression or anxiety, or if they are still spiritual if they take hormones to help with menopause, or if someone is spiritual if they choose to use botox to address their changing face.

When my husband first started taking antidepressants in his 20s (after resisting it for so long because of self-imposed shame and potential public stigma), he said to me, “Why did I wait so long to help myself in this way? I finally feel like me.” I can now understand what he meant. I finally feel like me.

Part of my spiritual work and journey is in the lessons of allowing my true self to be seen, and not an illusory image that I wish to project to the world. In sharing this, it helps me to move further from my illusion self and closer to my true self. 

We all have something. Something we are wrestling with or working on or have issues with. Being perfect is not the goal, and projecting false images of ourselves, whether on social media or in our social circles, is not loving to anyone. I share it here because I imagine that at some point, I might start hearing comments: “You look thinner, what are you doing?” or “Wow, you look great (with the unsaid message: now that you’ve lost some weight).” I realized that I don’t want to lie about what I’m doing because that isn’t truthful, especially to others who might have their own issues around weight and body. No illusions like, “Hey, I just started going to the gym and walking more and eating protein and weight started falling off!” That false story can potentially make others who have their own weight struggles feel alone. 

And so many of us have felt alone for too long under the weight of weight.

Note from me: If you too have a hungry little gremlin inside of you, or your own version of an internal white noise machine, all I can offer you here and now is some grace and space to find your own healing in whatever way feels right to you. I’m here to talk with you, if you need a friend.