Do You Think You Know What's Best?
My take on parenting, separation, and the positive side of disappointing others
“Others cannot understand the vibrational content of your desires, and they cannot understand the vibrational content of who you are, so they are not in any way equipped to guide you. Even when they have the very best intentions and want your absolute well-being, they do not know. And even though many of them attempt to be unselfish, it is never possible for them to separate their desire for you from their own desire for themselves.”
The day I read this above passage from the book Ask and It Is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks was the same day that I met with a dear friend for coffee. Our conversation led us to the topic of parenting and the feeling of separation — specifically the feeling of our children separating from us. We both have sons in their final year of high school. So, naturally, at their ages, there is a pulling away in the name of autonomy.
While we know that this needs to happen, should happen, and does happen, this separation is still challenging, tender, and sometimes painful for a parent. For so many years, we have served as their guide. THE ONES WHO KNOW. There is a power in that for parents, knowing that there is a person in this world who, for a certain period in time, looks to us for everything.
Basically we show them how to move through life based on what we think is best. When we teach them “the ways,” when they are younger, what we are really doing is teaching them our ways.
But then, our children get older. And there comes a realization that father/mother/caretaker might not always know best.
Think about it: How many times have you told your child what you think they should do, or how they should be or act or feel or say? You do feel like you know best, right? Trust me, I know. Ideally it’s done with the best intentions and with love.
What ends up happening though, especially if you have a child who is a people pleaser by nature, is that it sets up a pattern of that child not knowing who they are. When we believe that others know what’s best for us, we get so far away from our internal guidance system that we create a dynamic where we don’t know how to trust ourselves or trust our intuition for decisions large and small.
When we have a relationship with someone who feels that they know what’s best for us, there will potentially or eventually be a chasm in the relationship. This will most likely happen when we choose to listen to our own emotional guidance system and authority, instead of theirs, so that we can stay true to what feels right to us. It’s when we decide to stop abandoning ourselves in order to please others. It’s when the fear of disappointing ourselves becomes louder than fear of disappointing others. It’s when we move deeper into love for a fuller expression of who we really are.
I Ask…
Who are we to think that we don’t know what’s best for ourselves?
Who are we to think that we know what’s best for someone else, even when we are so intimately connected to that person, like a child?
We’re not living their life — and we shouldn’t ask them to live their life for us or how we think they should be living. When we do this, ultimately what we are asking them to make choices that will make us feel okay and safe.
But, that’s too much to ask of another.
So, yes — as parents, it’s our responsibility to make sure our young children are safe: we make sure that they don’t talk to strangers, they look both ways before crossing the street, they don’t touch the hot stove. We teach them the ways to navigate the world, how to put on clothes, how to go to the bathroom, how to treat friends, when to say please and thank you, how to show kindness by opening the door for others, how to express their feelings, which classes and camps and sports and activities to take.
However, our ways of “guiding” can potentially move into a form of control: don’t wear that outfit; don’t date that person; that dream career isn’t practical; don’t be mad; boys don’t wear makeup; don’t rock the boat; cut your hair; don’t be too loud; don’t be an introvert; study this, not that… the list goes on.
As you might guess, I’ve been thinking a lot about this as my children are growing.
I think that if we want to have relationships with our children, and with our parents or our friends, we need to make more space for people to be WHO THEY ARE.
It is quite narcissistic to believe that we ultimately know what best for others and how they should be in this world. And that if we don’t like someone else’s choices, then we must somehow make it stop — whether we are condemning, controlling, canceling, or killing.
And So…
One of my core values and dreams as a parent is to have a long-lasting relationship with my children and husband. To do this, I know that we all need to make space for each other to be who we are — and to be who we will be. We are all constantly evolving and changing. Let’s make space for that, especially for the people we love the most. We are not here to create carbon copies of ourselves. Each of us is original, one-of-a-kind. It might feel messy or untethered sometimes. It might make us feel uncomfortable. Let’s be okay with that. Because where there’s shadow there is light. That light is each one of us living our unique, divine expression of who we are.
Our purpose in our lifetime is to be ourselves.
As my children grow, my role in their lives will be/is to be a support system: to listen, to hold space, to admire and marvel at who they are. And to be here when/if they choose to come to me for advice or just want to someone to listen to them as they work things out on their own. I picture myself as a nice soft landing pad. At least, this is what I hope for.
What I want to instill in them is that when they tap into their inner being or their intuition, they already have all the answers.
Our worthy work as parents is to teach our children how to trust themselves first. Always. Their internal guidance system is there, pointing them in the right direction. Always.
I remember a therapist I was once working with long ago told me that it’s a parent’s job to light up whenever their kids walk in the room. Honestly I don’t remember anything else we talked about during my many sessions with her, except this. It was before I even had children. And I think about this all the time.
We light up because we are witnessing the light of who they are.
Thanks all. Keep holding the light.