Can Regrets Transform Our Life? Oh, hells YES.
Strategies to discover deeper fulfillment and purpose in life
Hi! Episode 4 of Hold the Light podcast is now available. Listen now or read the full transcript below.
“If we know what we truly regret we know what we truly value. Regret, that maddening, perplexing, and undeniably real emotion – points the way to a life well lived.” – Daniel H. Pink
In this episode, I focus on how we can transform our life through the power of regrets according to Daniel H. Pink, author of The Power of Regrets: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward.
Pink emphasizes that regrets are a fundamental part of the human experience and can be leveraged to make smarter decisions, perform better, and find meaning and purpose. His research includes insights from the World Regret Survey, revealing common regrets related to relationships, missed opportunities, and personal growth.
I dig into Pink’s four core categories of regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. And, discuss Pink's three-part strategy to maximize regrets: looking inward, practicing self-compassion, looking outward, practicing disclosure, and moving forward by finding lessons in regrets.
There is an opportunity for us to address our regrets as a way for greater self-compassion, learning, and personal growth – thus a more fulfilling future.
Full transcript below or click here to listen to the episode.
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How to Transform Your Life Through the Power of Regrets
I’ve been thinking a lot about regrets lately. But not in the way you might think.
According to the dictionary, the word regret means “a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.”
Well that feels heavy.
But, what if we reframe the way we look and feel about regrets? What if we use our regrets as a flashlight, shining the light on how we want to live now and in our future?
According to Daniel H. Pink, former political speech writer and author of “The Power of Regrets: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward,” regret is a misunderstood emotion. And by working with our regrets, we can transform how we live.
Pink says that regrets are “a fundamental part of our lives. And if we reckon with them in fresh and imaginative ways, we can enlist our regrets to make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and deepen our sense of meaning and purpose.” As he says, regrets are a universal part of the human experience. Everyone has something they wish they had done differently at some point in their life.
So, as part of Pink’s research, he collected regrets from people in over 100 countries through the World Regret Survey. I’ve linked to it in the show notes so you can take the survey yourself, and you can also see what other people regret around the world. It’s all anonymous, of course.
I filled it out and then looked at other responses. Regrets I saw included:
“That I was too afraid of marriage and family, stayed single.” – Male, Age 72
“Not following my dreams to become an actress. It’s 20+ years later and it’s finally really hit me. I wonder what my life would have been if I had gone for it.” – Female, Age 47
“I regret not building a productive and satisfying career and squandering the opportunities that I had.” – Male, Age 47
“I regret choosing to stay with an emotionally abusive man just because I’d made a vow.” – Female, Age 51
“I don’t feel as though I have a career to be proud of. I never pushed myself to become anything/anyone and have settled for low paying jobs.” – Female, Age 58
“I tried to be something I’m not – in other words, staying in the closet.” – Male, Age 78
“I wish I had taken more risks, and not always played it safe.” – Female, Age 66
“That I wasted so much personal energy worrying about my appearance and what people thought of me.” – Female, Age 54
In an interview on the podcast “Think Fast, Talk Smart,” Pink tells host Matt Abraham that what people seem to regret most over time are the “things they didn’t do. They didn’t take that trip, they didn’t ask that person out on a date. They didn’t start that business.” He says, “I think it’s because we are slightly over-indexed on risk. We overstate the risk in many circumstances." This is evident in many of the responses from his world survey.
Through Pink’s work, he has identified four core categories of human regrets. They are:
Foundation Regrets: These include failing to make more responsible or stable choices, like not saving for retirement or not taking care of our health.
Boldness Regrets: These include chances not taken, like on an idea or opportunity, such as starting a business, traveling, or reconnecting with a past love.
Moral Regrets: These include things like infidelity, cheating, stealing, or bullying.
Connection Regrets: These include when we’ve neglected people in our life. This is all about relationships with family, friends, and romances – and is the largest category of regrets according to Pink’s data.
Also a key takeaway from Pink’s research is that regrets based on “inaction outnumber regrets of action 2:1, and it goes up as people age.” An action regret is marrying the wrong person, but that can be undone, or you can employ the “at least” idea, such as “Well, at least I have my beautiful children.”
But we are unable to do this with regrets of inaction, like “I wish I traveled more, or “I wish I started my own business,” or “I wish I had told them I loved them more often.” Basically, these are missed opportunities.
So, whether our regrets are of inaction or action, the question is: how can we transform them into, as Pink says, a “positive force for working smarter and living better?”
In an interview with NPR, he says it’s possible to maximize our regrets to live a “fuller, more flourishing life” by using this three-part strategy: inward, outward, and forward.
Look inward: Practice self-compassion. Take care in how we talk to ourselves – meaning, let’s stop being so mean to ourselves and beating ourselves up. Reframe how we think about our regrets.
Look outward: Practice disclosure. Share your regrets with someone, or if that feels too personal, write about your feelings and thoughts in a journal.
Move forward: Find the lesson in your regret. Try coaching yourself as if you are talking to yourself in the third person, or as if you are giving advice to a friend. Take a bird’s eye view of your regret to help you learn and assimilate.
Finally, let’s give ourselves a break. Can we all do just one thing today to remove shame around one of our regrets?
Can we make a decision to take action on something that is within our control?
As Pink says, “Act now. Take the chance.”
So, whatever action you take right now in favor of your dreams, or protecting your boundaries, or sharing your heart, or saving money, or allowing yourself to be visible… by taking action today, you won't have this regret one year, five years, or 20 years from now. Today is your beginning.
Thanks for listening. Keep holding the light.
Learn more about Dan Pink at danpink.com.
Buy The Power of Regrets: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward
